Multiple times in a week (and probably, multiple times per day at this point), I turn to 2 of my favorite questions/self reflections…
- What do I want?
- What do I need?
It’s funny because these 2 unsuspecting questions can expose all kinds of things at a heart level that I may not even know are there. And they’re helpful to ask in a wide range of situations – they’ve helped me find more meaningful alignment in my career life, eat more vegetables, and navigate nuanced relationship conflicts.
They feel especially handy when I start to feel anxious or frustrated and try to pin the anxiety/frustration solely on the external factor (other person or circumstance). Asking these questions regains any power I may have accidently surrendered, and reminds me I can play an active role in advocating for myself. (More on the perils of victimhood mentality in a future post.) It may not “fix” the whole issue, but it can bring me back to a place of agency and peace.
So, a recent example… A friend/acquaintance of mine will be in town visiting next week. He had reached out to meet up, and I’d love to catch up with him. As we were nailing down details he suggested some ideas and it entailed more activity and longer duration than I would prefer. I could feel some anxiety bubbling. Maybe even frustration? Or mild annoyance? I decided to get curious about it and ask the questions….
What do I want? I want to see my friend! I want to catch up and connect. I want to keep some other commitments I already made for that evening too. I want to connect and be a good friend without silently growing resentment for things I never communicated.
What do I need? I need to communicate what I want. (“That sounds fun, I am free to hang out between 5-7 so let’s pick 1 of those things this time around!”) I need to remind myself my friend cares about me and is probably happy to connect for any amount of time. I need to know I can be OK even if my friend is a little disappointed with my availability.
And like magic – He was more than receptive to my response, we set our plans, and I am looking forward to it! Past versions of me would have said yes to all the activities, had a mild anxious stomach ache in the days leading up to it, would have faked a smile when we hung out, then afterwards would ask why I felt so mad at this person who didn’t do anything wrong? Thank God for breaking from those old patterns. Self reflection is a powerful thing!
So if I may be so bold to ask you…. With the thing(s) in your life right now…
- What do YOU want?
- What do YOU need?
**Disclaimer** These questions are unsuspectingly POWERFUL. As you begin to ask yourself these same questions, the answers may be vulnerable, exposing, confusing, and/or at times extremely simple! Also, if you are someone like me, these questions may be extremely frustrating at first because you are so disconnected from your own wants/needs/desires, that it will take some trial and error to find YOUR answers to these questions (i.e. not accidently answering “what do they need? what do they want?” More on that topic in a future blog post on codependency. <3